My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
