what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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