I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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