I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
