I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
