so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
