Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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