I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
