While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
