got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
