Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
