When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
