I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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