I'm lost and stupid without you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
