did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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