I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
