I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize