my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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