The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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