I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
