Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
