Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
