I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
