We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
