worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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