im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
