I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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