were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
