I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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