dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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