Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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