Midget sex pt 2 tonight
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
