The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
