I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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