watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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