I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
