this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
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