just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
