we have pet lesbian snakes
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
