how can u be prego again
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
