I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
