Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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