My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
