Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
