Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
