1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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