I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
