Your mouth is God's brothel.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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