so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
