I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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