I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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