Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
