Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
