i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
