I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
