I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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