Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
