Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
