ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
