theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i think i just lost a toe
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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